Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Dec 1st, 2003

Oh. Oh no. This post. I was dreading reading some of the poetry I wrote as a sensitive, pile of mush as a 17 year old idiot, but this....this may be more embarrassing. This is three entries from December 1st, 2003 so bear with me on this one. The last entry doesn't disappoint. Fuck.

too tired....

Dec. 1st, 2003 | 12:43 am

I'll update today at school.....


Dec. 1st, 2003 | 02:20 pm
mood: thankfulthankful
music: Yellowcard - Way Away

Well Friday and the rest of the weekend came and went. Friday was fun, though. The guys and went bowling then crashed at kevin's.
We all met at Kendall's house. I KIND of asked his sister on a "date" just to feel her out and see how she really felt about me. I told her if she was nice to her mom, Her, kendall, another girl and myself would go see LOVE ACTUALLY. It was more of a joking way, actually.
Me and the guys stayed up 'til 7:30 in the morning saturday just talking. It was fun. We went around talking about girls mostly. Come to find out I'm most likely, to my friends, to go out with either Mallory or Kaitie. Disappointing and yet not, considering I've liked Mal since about 7th grade.
Saturday came and Kaitie was asking me on AIM if we were going to see LOVE ACTUALLY. I said yeah, and then we formulated plans from there. She told me to ask Mal if she could go so I went to the dairy to talk to Mal. She said she could come. So Kendall, Kaitie and I went to the mall to grab a bite to eat until Mal got out of work. Anyways, cutting to the chase, we all went to the midland cinema and saw LOVE ACTUALLY. Seating was me, mal, kaitie, and kendall. The more I looked at how pretty she is and how considerate and smart she is, the less I liked kaitie and the more I realzed how long I've like Mal. Mal's got everything, except time for a b/f so for now, I'm content being me, myself, and I. But as soon as I settle into this, like always, a girl will come along and ask me out.
The four of us went and spent the night at the Krish's house. When I went home to ask my dad if I could go, he yelled at me for leaving Chris home alone. Even though Chris didn't care. My dad told me to get the F&%$ out! So I did. In the morning we went to Hopevale with Mal. It was fun. I like that church. I might start going there.
Molly was really nice to me. So that started off a good day. We went and ate lunch at the mall and browsed around. It was really nice spending the day with a beautiful girl like Mal. My days have been so broing and uneventful lately.
Then my mom scolded me about the same thing my dad did. THen Chris and I hung out the rest of the day and went over to a friend's and watched a movie. Ocean's 11, good movie.
Going to the Anathallo show tomorrow night, I hope. Chris is leaving tomorrow. My room is my own as of 10 pm tonight after practice.

Continuing on my journey down the path that will one day lead to the arms of the woman I love......



Dec. 1st, 2003 | 10:55 pm
mood: giddygiddy
music: Foo Fighters - One By One

Dear God, what have I done to deserve such confusion? Lemme explain folks. Ok, thought I was over Molly, But yeah, tonight made me realize I'm really not. How could I have been so stupid to think I could get over such a beautiful girl so soon? We went off and did lines together tonight and I had so much fun! She was miserable about trying so hard to memorize her lines and not getting them, I had to do something to cheer her up.
It's my obligation as a lifetime member of the "nice guys finish last" club. Not saying I don't like doing it, I just don't like letting my affections dangle helplessly in someone's hands. Capable hands as they may be. So I made funny voices of the characters to cheer her up. Mission accomplished but at what an expense? My heart yearning for beauty it'll never know? Grrrr, why am I so hopeful?! argh. Well at least I had fun doing what I do best, making one of the most wonderful girls I know feel better.
At SHE was the one who came up with the idea of seeing a movie. Although, she was just kidding, most likely. Even goofing around seriously about it, couldn't hurt. What if she was for real? What then? At least I'd stand a chance on some morally common grounds with myself.
Oh, well. If I like her and she doesn't actually like me. Things will go back to normal and I'll try my hardest to do the Rationalize-My-Emotions-Away routine to the best of my abilities. Plus, at least I get the enjoyment of spending time with her. ^_^

one by one I'll be searching for something.....


Jesus. That was seriously painful. I'm surprised I ever even had sex when I did let alone at all with this shit floating around in my head and on the internet. 

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